


Firm Resolve

by stelladora



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-02
Updated: 2014-03-02
Packaged: 2018-01-14 06:43:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1256641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stelladora/pseuds/stelladora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An argument between the two men causes Jimmy to think about how he really feels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Firm Resolve

The yard out behind the kitchen was one of Thomas’ favorite places at Downton. It was usually quiet there, and he could enjoy a cigarette in peace, with only his thoughts for company now that O’Brien was gone. It was an especially useful retreat when he didn’t feel like talking to anyone downstairs. Sometimes it all just got a bit much: Bate’s smugness, Ivy’s flirting, Alfred’s idiocy… It was stifling, and Thomas needed an escape sometimes. Usually, that escape was Jimmy. It had been two years since all the unpleasantness between them, and they’d both tacitly agreed to leave it in the past. Neither of them ever brought up Thomas’ feelings (which they both knew were as strong as ever), and no one else made any insinuations. Thomas respectfully kept his distance from Jimmy physically; he never touched the younger man, not even a pat on the shoulder. Jimmy did the same, apparently not wanting to test Thomas’ resolve.

The two of them had become fast friends after it had all blown over, and Thomas was happy with that. It was better to have Jimmy as a friend than as nothing at all, he’d decided. However, the two still had their fair share of disagreements. Usually, whatever petty thing they were bickering over (Jimmy’s treatment of Ivy, Thomas’ unwarranted snide comments, Jimmy’s work ethic) was resolved by dinnertime. Thomas couldn’t find it in himself to stay mad at Jimmy. He knew the worth of friendship, especially in a place like Downton, and he usually could manage to put aside his pride and apologized. Often, Jimmy’s apology wouldn’t be far behind.

This time was different. Jimmy and Thomas had quarrelled the night before, and now it was after dinner the next day and neither had spoken a word to the other. Thomas sat alone outside, his cigarette burning idly in his hand as he lost himself in his thoughts. 

* * *

 “I’ve got a half-day tomorrow,” Jimmy said to Thomas as they played cards in the servant’s hall after dinner.

 “Really? And what sort of trouble were you thinking of getting into?” Thomas replied with a smirk.

 Jimmy arched an eyebrow. “Me? What makes you think that I would ever be anything but a perfect angel?” he asked cheekily. Thomas rolled his eyes in response, but Jimmy caught the shadow of a smile that Thomas concealed. “There’s a new picture playing. Something from America. I thought we could go. I’ve heard it’s supposed to be--”

 “We?” Thomas asked, cutting him off. “Have you forgotten I have a job to do?”

 “Well, you’re an under-butler, aren’t you? Second in command? Can’t you just give yourself the afternoon off?” Jimmy asked with a shrug.

 Thomas raised an eyebrow at him and made a noise halfway between a laugh and a scoff. “Right, just leave all my duties here and go out to the cinema with you. I’m sure Carson will love that.”

 “Who cares about Carson? You do what you want all the time,” Jimmy pointed out.

 “Not when it might cost me my job,” Thomas said simply.

 Jimmy rolled his eyes at that. “You’re never any fun, you know that?”

“I’m plenty of fun. I just don’t feel like risking my job to go see one of your stupid films.”

“They’re not stupid,” Jimmy protested. “And since when have you prioritized your job over me?” he added playfully, remembering a time when Thomas had risked a lot more than his position at Downton.

 A blush spread over Thomas’ cheeks, taking away the usual pallor of his skin. After the initial shock when he registered the comment, his face seemed to cloud over, and he glared at Jimmy. “Yes, well, maybe I learned my lesson,” he said through gritted teeth. Thomas pushed his chair out from the table with a loud scraping noise. “I don’t know why you expect me to spend every waking moment with you. I do have a life of my own,” he said as he made for the door.

 “Now, wait a minute,” Jimmy began, standing up as if to go after him. Jimmy knew that wouldn’t be wise; when Thomas was angry, it was usually best to let him seethe for a while rather than try to speak to him right away. He sighed and sank back down into his chair, left alone to clean up their card game.

 Thomas had stormed up to his room, his embarrassment turning to anger. _Why should I care what he thinks? I’ve got my own life, I don’t need to spend all my time with him doing whatever he wants_ , Thomas thought to himself as he undressed and got ready for bed.

 As much as Thomas wished it wasn’t true, he did spend all his time with Jimmy. Everyone had noticed it: the two of them were inseparable now. They spent all their half-days together, and were the last two to go up to bed at night.

 About a week ago, Carson had pulled Thomas into his office, wearing the same stern expression he always had when he spoke to the young man he hated so much. Thomas had had to endure a lecture about growing up and getting his work done before he “cavorted” off with Jimmy.

 “Yes, Mr. Carson,” Thomas had replied evenly. He knew that Carson was really telling him to stop spending so much time with Jimmy. Perhaps the old man thought it would stir up trouble, or perhaps he suspected something would crop up between the two young men. Either way, Thomas had begun to be more wary. There was always something to be done in the house, and if Thomas’ work wasn’t up to snuff, Carson would easily find a reason to fire him.

 Thomas lay down in bed, wondering what to do. He loved spending time with Jimmy, but if he kept things up, he’d be in for another reprimand. Jimmy had never been the best listener, and Thomas knew that Jimmy had taken it personally when he’d said that he needed to get his work done.

 As Thomas began nodding off, he resolved to explain things to Jimmy in the morning. Maybe after both of them had had a chance to cool off, he could swallow his pride enough to talk to Jimmy about his fears of losing his position.

 Jimmy was late to breakfast the next day. His face was a blank mask, and he looked around for an empty chair before resigning himself to the one next to Thomas, which was customarily left for him now.

 Thomas noticed an oddly harsh glint in Jimmy’s eyes. Apparently, the footman was upset with him. It was difficult to have a private conversation while everyone else was in the room, and Thomas didn’t plan on trying. “Good morning, Jimmy,” he said neutrally.

 Jimmy just nodded in response, and Thomas couldn’t help but feel a bit crestfallen. Had Jimmy really been that offended by what he’d said? The bells began ringing, and soon both Thomas and Jimmy were busy with their usual work. Try as he might, Thomas couldn’t seem to catch Jimmy alone all day. 

* * *

 Thomas flung the end of his cigarette away, exhaling a last bit of smoke as he looked upward at the sky. It was dark by now, and he knew he should be getting to bed. It was obvious that Jimmy didn’t want to speak with him, and he wasn’t going to force the issue. Perhaps things would work themselves out, given time. _Or maybe_ , Thomas thought, _I’ll just have to get used to not speaking to him anymore. Back to square one, I suppose._

 He stood up and stretched, making his way back inside, out of the chilly night air. As he passed the servant’s hall, he couldn’t help but look for Jimmy. The footman wasn’t there; only a few maids gossiping. In a voice that left no room for negotiation, Thomas suggested they go up to bed.

 Soon he was opening up his own door, and fumbling with the light switch on the wall. As he stepped inside, his foot fell on an object that made a slight rustling sound. When the light flickered to life, Thomas looked down and saw a letter with his own name on the front of the envelope. The wide, angular handwriting could have belonged to anyone, he supposed, but something told him the letter was from Jimmy.

 With trepidation, Thomas stooped and picked up the letter. Why would Jimmy avoid him all day, then slip a note under his door? He began jumping to conclusions (He hates me. He’s so fed up that he can’t even say it to my face) and had to force himself to calm down. He took a seat in the armchair by the window and carefully opened the envelope.

  _Thomas. I’ve never been very good with words like you are, so I thought it would be better for me to write out what I want to say to you. I’ve been thinking it over all day. I didn’t want to talk to you earlier because I was afraid I’d lose my nerve and decide to forget the entire thing._

_I’m sorry about last evening. I’ve been taking our time together for granted, I think. I  assumed that you would want to do everything with me, the way I want to do everything with you. But you’re allowed to have your own life, and I don’t want to get in the way of it. I want you to be happy. You deserve that, no matter what anyone says, or what you yourself say. You’re a wonderful man, and you deserve the world._

_My hands are shaking a bit--sorry about my handwriting. I’m not even speaking to you face to face, and I’m nervous. See, I’ve been meaning to tell you this for a long time, but I could never find the right time to bring it up. I suppose I’ll just have to say it outright._

_I think I love you. I don’t know why I wrote “I think.” I know I do. I’ve been thinking about you ever since what happened two years ago. I always tried to push it away, but I never quite managed it. Then a few months ago, I started to really consider what it would be like to be with you. I realized that I don’t want to ever be separated from you. You’re the best man I know, and I can’t believe you’re in love with me. Or were in love with me._

_I never told you how sorry I am for reacting the way I did when you kissed me. I’d never thought about men like that, but I started to think that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to be with you. But I saw how everyone treated you, and I was afraid. I didn’t want to think of myself as being like that. It seemed so strange then, but now it’s not. Loving you is like a part of me now._

_I know that we fight often, but I’ve never even considered not loving you anymore because of it. Every time we get in a disagreement, all I can think about is how I should make it up to you. Honestly, I’ve never cared about anyone the way I care about you. I hope you still love me, but I would understand if you don’t. You know me much better now, after all. I suppose you’ve had time for the infatuation to wear off. But every day I spend with you, I find another reason to love you. It’s been so difficult to keep this to myself, and I’m still terrified of what you’ll say, and how you’ll react._

_If you don’t love me anymore, just ignore all this. You don’t ever have to bring it up, and I won’t mention it. But if you do feel the same way about me, then for the love of God please tell me. I feel so anxious it’s like my heart will burst. That sounds stupid, doesn’t it? Anyway, I’m going to put this under your door now, before I talk myself out of it. Jimmy._

 Thomas sat in silence for a while, stunned. He read the letter over again, then scanned over certain passages, trying to convince himself that those words were actually there.

 Jimmy loved him? How was that possible? Thomas had spent so much time trying to convince himself that Jimmy would never be interested, and now everything he knew was upside down.

 But what if the letter was a joke? What if someone else had actually written it? Thomas began to panic, wondering what on earth he should do. He couldn’t keep quiet; if Jimmy really wrote the letter, he would take that for a refusal. Thomas needed answers, he wanted to hear Jimmy explain all of this himself.

 With his heart in his throat, Thomas stood up and left his room. He went down the hall, trying not to think about what he was doing so that he wouldn’t talk himself out of it. He knocked softly on Jimmy’s door, then contemplated dashing back to the safety of his own room.

 Before he could make a decision, the door opened. Jimmy stood in front of him wearing his trousers and shirtsleeves, his hair hanging in his eyes the way it did when it wasn’t slicked back. For a moment, the two men just looked at each other.

 “So you...got it, then,” Jimmy finally said, gesturing to the letter that Thomas still clutched. Jimmy’s face was bright red, and Thomas took a small amount of solace in the fact that the younger man was just as nervous as he.

 “Yes, I… I did,” Thomas eventually managed. He cleared his throat, not sure what to say now that he was face to face with Jimmy.

 Jimmy peeked out of his room, looking up and down the hallway. “We probably shouldn’t discuss this in public,” he mumbled, stepping aside so Thomas could come in.

 Warily, Thomas entered Jimmy’s bedroom. If anything, that made him even more nervous. He hadn’t been in there since that night two years ago, and the room seemed unlucky, somehow. “I was worried when you didn’t speak to me,” Thomas said quietly, thinking about how alone he’d felt the whole day.

 “I just didn’t want to lose my resolve,” Jimmy responded. He bit his lip, looking at Thomas. This was torture, dancing around the subject that both of them so obviously wanted to talk about. “So… do you-- I mean, I know I’ve got no right to expect anything from you, after everything, but… I’m so sorry. For the longest time, I tried to just ignore all of it, and I thought that maybe the things I felt would go away, but… They’ve only gotten worse. Or better, I suppose, if you wanted to look at it that way, which, I mean, I hope you do--”

 Thomas laughed under his breath, cutting Jimmy off. The younger man froze, looking like he might cry from anxiety. “You really are terrible with words, aren’t you?” Thomas said, managing a smile.

 Jimmy’s expression changed, and he smiled back at Thomas in relief. “Well, yes. That’s why I...wrote it all out. And I meant all of it.” There was hope in Jimmy’s eyes now, and Thomas thought they’d never looked as stunning as they did in that moment. “So? Do you…?” Jimmy asked.

 Slowly, Thomas reached out, taking hold of Jimmy’s hand. A shiver ran up his spine as he marveled at how amazing such a simple gesture felt. Thomas nodded, meeting Jimmy’s eyes.

 Jimmy beamed, his smile encompassing more emotions than Thomas thought were possible to portray on a single face. “Really? You still do?” he asked, taking a careful step closer to Thomas, eager to close the distance between them.

 “Never stopped, really. Even after everything happened, I couldn’t bring myself to love you any less,” Thomas confessed. His mind reeled at the thought of being able to finally discuss this. “I love you more now, to be honest.” He gave Jimmy one of his rare smiles: an honest one, not the smirk that came over his face when he said something particularly witty.

 Closing the distance between them, Jimmy stepped closer to Thomas and embraced him. “God, that’s so good to hear,” he murmured.

 Thomas wound his hands around Jimmy’s small frame, the way he’d dreamed of doing for so long. Jimmy buried his head in Thomas’ shoulder, inhaling the scent of the other man. Neither of them wanted to let go. “I’m almost angry at you for making me wait so long,” Thomas eventually said, a laugh in his voice. It was impossible for him to really be angry at Jimmy in that moment.

 “How can I ever make it up to you?” Jimmy asked, looking up at Thomas, his eyes shining. Thomas blushed and dropped his gaze shyly. The two remained standing together in the middle of the room, completely absorbed in each other.

 “Thomas?” Jimmy said after another long moment. His voice wavered, and he sounded uncertain again. “Could you kiss me?” he asked in almost a whisper. The only experience Jimmy had with kissing men was that brief exchange years ago, and he wanted their real first kiss to be as wonderful as he’d dreamed of.

 “I suppose I could manage it,” Thomas said with a smirk. He slowly leaned closer to Jimmy, giving the younger man time to back away if he wanted. When Jimmy didn’t move, Thomas softly placed his lips against the other man’s, focusing on exactly what it felt like. Jimmy’s lips were slightly chapped, and he tasted like the mint of his toothpaste. After a moment, Thomas pulled away. Jimmy leaned forward as if unwilling to separate, then smiled up at Thomas.

 “This feels…” Jimmy shook his head as he smiled, unable to believe how lucky he was. Everything had worked out perfectly, it seemed.

 “I know,” Thomas said quietly, sharing Jimmy’s thoughts.

 

 


End file.
